GMs, Your Players Need to Respect You & Your Fun (Tools for Defining Player Principles, Setting Boundaries, & More)

Recently, I've seen a spate of GMs posing questions such as "what do I do if my PCs keep purposefully abandoning plots I lay out for them just to fuck with me" or "one of my players has crafted some unholy monstrosity of a character that is a poor moral or mechanical fit for the party."

These types of statements usually end with the same question: "what should I do?" Hopefully, this post will help you assert boundaries as a GM and run a table where you have just as much fun as your players. 

What Even Is a GM, Anyways?

There's a strange all-too-common misconception that GMs exist to provide players with a game. That they are to act as the arbiter of rules, the settlor of social disputes, the tyrant of game schedules, and perhaps most importantly, a sort of omnipotent vessel the players use to have fun. 

Bullshit. 

As a GM, you are every bit as much a player of TTRPGs as your players themselves are. Yes, the role is different, as are the responsibilities. But at the end of the day, you - just like your players - are here to spend time with friends doing something fun. Running your games should be every bit as enjoyable and fun for you as it is for your players. 

Yeah, you may prep. Yes, you have the final say when it comes to rules. But you are still playing the game with the players, not for them. You need to establish a collaborative relationship with the players wherein everybody is concerned with everyone else's fun as much as their own, and your players genuinely respect you, your efforts, and your time. To do that, you need to establish boundaries. 

Holly Fox

Setting Boundaries: Contextualizing the Role of Players

There's a wonderful little PBTA-style sci-fi game called Uncharted Worlds by Sean Gomes that I love for a lot of reasons (if you like sci-fi check it out, it is wonderful), one of which is its section on player principles. They're applicable to just about any system, and I highly suggest introducing them to the table as part of your session 0. They read as follows:

Act with conviction: When a character wants to do something, simply make the attempt. Asking the GM, "Can I do X?" is not a fair question. The GM doesn't know what your character can do. At best, the GM will flat out say no because it's not physically possible, but that's just logic. Otherwise, it is up to the player to determine what their character attempts within the current situation. By deciding to act, the player implicitly accepts the costs and consequences.

Act through the lens of your character: When choosing how to act, consider the character first and foremost. Consider what they can do, physically and mentally. Consider what they would do, emotionally and ethically. Don't always take the most optimal action, don't always try to use their highest stat. Take the action that the character would take, considering their background, careers, goals, aspirations, fears, and so on. Act with the information the character has, not the player. Once in a while, let weakness, shame, pain, fear, or vulnerability inform your character's decisions.

Weave an awesome narrative: Always consider how to make the story better and more entertaining for everyone. When the GM prompts for something, resist the urge to "outsmart" the GM and say something exploitable or silly. The GM and the players are working together to create a narrative, and the GM prompts allow the players to shape the universe. Similarly, acting in a way that is not in keeping with the tone and the setting will just break the immersion and the narrative. Strive to make an epic worth retelling.

Respect player boundaries: There may be animosity between characters, but do not bring that into the real world. Be respectful of the other players and their things. This includes being respectful of their characters. Don't take over other characters or speak for them. Don't do bad things to other characters without their player's consent. When in doubt, ask the player, "Is it ok if my character undermines/countermands/backstabs yours here? It's what they would do, story-wise."

Respect the GM's role: The GM is there to keep the game flowing smoothly. They are not an opponent to defeat. They are not an enemy to outwit. They are there to keep the universe running so the players can be the protagonists. The GM has the right (and duty) to reign in behavior that they feel is disruptive or goes against the tone and narrative of the game. Unless the GM specifically prompts them, the players should refrain from altering or inventing facts about the universe.

Now that's the good shit. 

If every player - and GM - applied themselves to internalizing these player principles and utilizing them, common issues that pop up in threads here - "my players all want to play flying characters but that wouldn't be fun for me, what should I do?" "One of my players keeps making jokes that make others uncomfortable, what should I do?" - wouldn't pop up quite so frequently. 

Of course, bringing these principles to your table during session 0 and trying to ensure that everyone adheres to them is all well and good, but it doesn't help if you already have players at your table who don't respect you. So, let's talk about that a little bit. 

Paizo

Players Are a Dime a Dozen, GMs Are Not; Or: Just Kick Them, Already

I'm going to be a bit impolite here. There are lots of people who want to play TTRPGs. Moreover, there are lots of amazing, wonderful players who will respect your work as a GM, who want to play TTRPGs. 

In the current TTRPG landscape, especially if we're talking about 5e, players are not a valuable commodity. If there's a player at your table who can't adhere to the player principles outlined above and it's making the experience worse for everyone else, just remove them.

You are in no way obligated to try and help someone overcome their problem player tendencies. If you want to, that's great. But keep in mind that by keeping a problem player at the table in hopes of reforming them, you're not just taking on the burden of trying to "fix" the player in question - you're also forcing everyone else at the table to continue experiencing their bad behavior. I've seen some GMs brag about how tolerant they are of disrespectful players, and every time, all I can think is, "it must suck for the other players that you're willing to put up with these people for so long." 

If a player acts in a problematic or disrespectful way and you do not correct or remove them, you are tacitly indicating to the rest of the table that you don't have a problem with their behavior. 

Yes, more tables should step in and make corrections a tablewide discussion when someone crosses a line. 

Yes, more tables should probably make discussions about kicking a player tablewide, too.

Yes, it sucks that the burden for correcting or kicking players often falls on the GM. 

These are all things we should try and work on by encouraging more tablewide conversations as a community. But as it stands now, the burden of correcting and kicking players often lies on the GMs shoulders. 

I get it. Kicking a player sucks, even if they're a righteous douchebag. Confrontation is rarely easy or fun. 

But for every problem player, there's another great one who could fill their spot. So get rid of the problem, and find someone who will respect not only you, but everyone else at the table as well. 

Below are a few scripts you can use to remove a problem player:

For the Player Who Wants a Different Game

"Hey ___________, the more we play, the more it becomes clear this table isn't suited to your playstyle. These games take a lot of time, and I want everyone to have the best possible TTRPG experience. I think you would benefit from finding a table that aligns with your way of playing TTRPGs more. I wish you all the best in your future gaming endeavors. 

For the Player That Always Goes Too Far:

"Hey ____________, you consistently violate the behavioral expectations and player principles set forth at the table in a way that makes myself and others feel uncomfortable. The safety and comfort of everyone at the table are always a priority for me, and I can't tolerate such behavior. As such, I am removing you from the table."

For the Player Who Treats You Like the Enemy:

"Hey _____________, you consistently behave in a hostile way toward me (and other players, if applicable), and it's impacting my experience negatively. As such, I'm removing you from the table. Wishing you all the best." 

It doesn't need to be nice, unless they deserve niceness - but it doesn't need to be mean, either. It just needs to be straightforward and clean. The point here is to exit the conversation or message feeling as though you drew a clean boundary, let the player in question know why you chose to remove them, and now have a clean slate to either continue playing or start looking for a replacement player. 

Iga “Igson” Oliwiak

Oh Darling, Oh Precious - When You Want to Try & Help

Of course, as mentioned earlier, there will doubtless be times when a player behaves problematically, but not to the degree that warrants their removal from the table. In such situations, if you want to keep the player at the table, you need to start a dialogue that helps them - and you - work through the issue in question so you can move toward a brighter, better tomorrow (or something similarly optimistic). 

Let's look at some scripts for starting conversations with players when you want to help them adjust their behavior:

For the Player Who Tries to Keep Secrets From You:

"Hey __________, I notice that when we play, it often feels like you expect me to penalize your character unfairly or try to screw you over. I just want to confirm that I'm here to ensure that everyone has the most fun possible, and it's always my goal to work with you to create epic moments, not work against you to foil them (unfortunately, I can't help it if the dice have different ideas). Is there anything we can do to build your trust in me? I want my players to feel like my allies, and vice versa, and I'd like to make an effort to work toward that with you." 

For the Player Who Won't Stop Meme-ing:

"Hey ____________, when we play, you often interject with memes or other such humor, and sometimes it's a little too immersion-breaking for me. What can we do to tone that down?"

For the Player Who Crosses Boundaries:

"Hey _____________, recently there have been a few occasions where you've crossed the boundaries I or another player set for this table (give specific examples if you have any). Can you work on this? I want this table to be safe, inclusive, and enjoyable for everyone."

For the Player Who's Always Distracted

"Hey ______________, I notice that you seem to be pretty distracted during our games. It's hurtful when I put a lot of effort into the game, and it feels like you're not paying attention to what the other players or I do - how can we work together to make the experience more engaging for you?"

For the Player That Does It "Because It's What Their Character Would Do"

"Hey ______________, recently there have been times when your character crossed some boundaries or made the experience less fun for others and you acknowledged that, but said you did it because it's what your character would do. I know we all want to dive into RP, but we have to remember this is a game, and we're here to have fun. I'd appreciate it if you could think more about how the actions you take will impact other players' experiences and work with me to make the table enjoyable for everyone."

For the Player Who Hogs the Spotlight

"Hey _______________, frequently when other characters are attempting to have a moment with each other or I'm trying to focus on another character, you'll jump into the scene. I'm glad you want to be part of the action! But it's important that everyone gets their chance to shine. I'd like to work with you to ensure others get their spotlight moments, too."

As before: It doesn't always have to be "nice," but it shouldn't be mean. You should be honest about your feelings. You want to open up a dialogue that gets to the heart of the matter without beating around the bush. 

"What if they throw a fit or react badly when I try to broach these subjects with them?"

Then you can remove them from your table. By attempting to talk it out, you're already extending an olive branch their way. You should expect your players to act like adults and receive constructive criticism maturely. If they can't do that, how will you address the bigger behavioral problems you're starting the conversation about in the first place? 

When It's Not That Simple: Run a One-Shot

I know a lot of people like to play games with friends and family and the like. 

NEVER COMMIT TO RUNNING A CAMPAIGN FOR A COWORKER, FRIEND, OR FAMILY MEMBER BEFORE RUNNING A ONESHOT OR TWO FOR THEM FIRST. 

Just because you know how someone generally behaves at work, school, or Thanksgiving Dinner doesn't mean you can predict how they'll act at the table. Anyone who's played monopoly with the family knows that games can sometimes bring out the worst in people. Always, ALWAYS run a few oneshots or a mini-adventure for friends, family members, and coworkers before committing to anything more long-term. 

As for what to do if you're having issues with a player who is a friend, family member, or coworker who's already in a long-term campaign you run... fuck, I dunno. Unless I get to have a sit-down with every other player at the table, you, and the problem player, I won't have anything useful to say. Having a personal relationship with someone outside of the table makes dealing with table-focused disputes a whole lot more nuanced, and no general pointers I can give will ever be truly helpful for that situation. 

Hopefully, this post has been somewhat useful with regards to providing tools you can use to make your table a safe, respectful space, or to address problematic player behavior. Thanks for reading!